This letter is escalated in response to your choice to spend $1,500. attempting to insure that less potential HAI client's learn about a pattern of behavior you have repeatedly claimed is "Not a HAI issue," thus insuring that HAI has spent more money harming the public than it has spent providing for my safety physically, emotionally or mentally.
I invite each of you to consider two probable futures. You are sustaining your present course with four core directions that ripple out into hundreds of actions and inactions:
1) Attuning to yourselves, your agendas, your perspectives and your needs rather than attuning to your client, your patient, their perspectives.
2) Attuning to your intentions and historical patterns rather than to laws, the principle of trust and it's protocols, therapeutic guidelines, non-profit ethics and actual impact you are having on your client.
3) Attuning to your fears of scarcity, communication control and shame, rather than a protocol of transparency, ownership, curiosity and commitment to have all stake-holders be proud of what you have done.
4) Dis-owning, denying, avoiding, delaying, refusing to apologize so as not to be responsible and take ownership of your impact, insuring that the thing you will not own gets bigger, not smaller with time.
When you steer a large ship towards the rocks and refuse to talk and attune to the lighthouse that does not move for any person it takes a massive amount of energy including full reverse to turn it around, not just idling the energy and letting the momentum of your impact continue to reverberate. As part of my choice to increase the physical, emotional, financial, mental and social safety of people surviving sexual abuse and therapeutic abuse I am spending 15% of my energy on the following:
1) I will be approaching the State Licensing Board of California with evidence that four HAI facilitators, unanimously trained and recommended by all of you, and who have done work deeper than most therapists have done so without licenses or disclosing the absence of a license, and have then wished to insult the intelligence of all by claiming "this is not a HAI issue" repeatedly.
2) I will continue to tell the story of your behavior and it's impact on everyone in my life for as long as the story continues. It will have an ending either with the end of HAI or it's transformation. That is certain. If you want to study the very best in the industry on communication controls and sustained absurdity I point you to the several documentaries on Scientology which has the best legal team in the world and hundreds of million in cash. It is a few individuals who are challenging their abuse cycles effectively.
3) I will be making periodic documentary slices to reveal abuse patterns in our culture, referencing your behavior as examples of how universal these abuse patterns are.
4) I will be notifying therapists in the areas that you work with the following agendas: a) Since it was Loren Campbell who recommended me to you, I will be alerting them to the downsides you don't want to tell anyone about. b) To use your mistakes which I think many organizations could make to sharpen their own skills. c) To invite them to participate in the documentary on trauma and abuse in America, by commenting on what is and is not healthy about your behavior. d) To question current therapeutic protocols which I am not satisfied, having spend $150k and not learned a single thing about trauma myself from any of them, including four HAI facilitators.
5) Proceeding with the court cases directed first at HAI and if necessary at each facilitator until everyone associated with HAI has adopted best-practices and made amends for impact or is not doing any kind of work relating to teaching relationship or therapy. I know you have managed your organization poorly and do not have money money as an organization or in most cases as individuals, which means you cannot afford to sustain a suicidal path of willful ignorance that puts your behavior in direct conflict with best practices as defined by all stake-holders except your own defense strategies. Money is not the object of this lawsuit: documentary footage is. In the same way I believe it medicinal for people to witness our cultural diseases in Trump, making him highly effective as a mirror to our national psyche, I think we need to clear the delusion that this is somehow missing in our power structures just because we slap "awareness" or "love" on the label. You pray and teach with your daily behavior, not your words, and your behavior is profoundly hostile towards your clients at every level of your organization in this area. You will have a chance, each of you as individuals, to explain your unanimous support of a cover-up protocol that endangered the lives of human beings. Step by step, you can explain to our country and the jury why you chose not to do any of the simple, efficient and easy things that you could do, beginning with "listening and holding" the client who asked each one of you to listen and hold. Or your student Peter Sandhill who when a psychedelic patient's first words in the session were: "You really hurt me in 1993," insisted on pushing this out of consciousness without examining it so that he could repeat every one of his 1993 mistakes at 100 times the impact. This is your student and you as his teacher are accountable for assessing his intelligence and ethics, which each of you failed to do. This is hardly surprising since you failed to see or communicate, let alone heal the blind spots of myself or any of the 30 lovers I met in YOUR community and maintain your ignorance every step of the way by not asking, then dishonoring all information that could help when it is volunteered. You are complete idiots on one level, but I don't see it that way. I think that this makes sense in the language of trauma: Your irrational stupidity helps you avoid what we as a country and culture are also unwilling to face: the depth of our trauma, it's grief, and the national defense system that sees us defending from the terrain in our own shadow we don't know how to deal with and so re-enact and project on others. Since you did not design America any more than I did, you are as much a victim of this system as anyone. You simply have a much higher responsibility and threshold of integrity by electing yourselves as teachers and healers and taking money to remedy the issues. Your inadequacies will teach us much more than your platitudes. You are not alone in your inadequacies, but rather are alone in taking money to cover them up, rather than own them as a courageous example of a power-structure transcending itself for the health of all.
6) I will be creating online profiles for each board-member and HAI facilitator that links back to the entire story for the next 10-20 years so that all clients and employers have direct access with a simple google search to what has happened here over the next 10-20 years. You can of course explain to each person who searches that "this is not a HAI issue" and "our client's are at choice to hire us or not" so the fact that we have not even publicly apologized is an example of our commitment to a world where everyone wins and our unending effort to bring light to the dark places in the American culture.
7) I will be talking to abuse groups about how one can campaign for change in sick power-structures where abuse is taking place and share what does and does not work, based on trying all methods and assessing what takes an abuse survivor the least amount of energy to increase the safety of others and create change or consequences for their abusers within the law. Everyone will have a chance to learn from all my mistakes, which I am proud to be making as a public experiment. I am uniquely positioned, having found myself unable to work very much and with the money to fund my own non-profit, to take this on when most abuse survivors will be left alone, as we can see here, to fend for themselves. By dishonoring my light shadow and triggering my dark shadow you can take credit for the birth of a new identity that unfortunately has your shadow, not your light, in it's sights.
8) I will be notifying any groups which advertise your names, such as Esellen etc. and having my assistant track each of you individually and link to these issues. I am committed to a reality in which every person has a chance to learn about your blinds spots BEFORE giving you their innocence, money, time or vulnerability, so that at the very least they can make an informed decision based on your strengths and weaknesses. This will continue until I believe, by your behavior patterns, that you have shifted your loyalty from the expediency of your blind spots to the intense energy it will take to put the safety of your organization first.
9) I will be periodically notifying the team and the community and tracking feedback for the documentary (they will be invited to participate and notified that reactions from a community are key parts of a documentary about community abuse, given that our culture has a habit of attacking abuse survivors for rocking power-structures and that is part of the documentary). The guidelines for how a community that is healthy, balanced and committed to well-being and the safety of it's members responds to disclosures of abuse are clear. Your skill at instilling an ethic of commitment, education and best-practices around trauma will continue to be evident based on the ignorance of the people who hire you to model how to respond to crisis. So far your ignorance is echoed in the entire community and abuse survivors in this country need to understand that this is yet one more thing that is not their fault, but which does make the job of healing more difficult, be that among Catholics dealing with raping priests who are protected by the Vatican, by Scientology abuse survivors who have to contend with their community actively humiliating them, or the typical social shunning that takes place to punish those who challenge people such as Trump. It is essential that this psychology be broken down and not added to the shame of the abuse-survivors, so silence, defenses, ignorance and unhelpful helpfulness in the HAI community, and it's origin in Jason's assessment that "trauma is not a HAI focus" so should not be included in the HAI curriculum or actively recommended to anyone will be examined. You and the community will teach people watching the documentary not about how unusual you all are in your ignorance and abuse, but how wide-spread the practice of abusing abuse survivors to protect the status quo is. And the exceptions will be celebrated: Every individual who shows active interest in transformation, the well-being of the community, trauma-literacy, including any of you that decide at some point to break ranks with ignorance and step forward, will be honored.
10) I will be challenging your right to non-profit status given that you have shown a willingness to use public money to shut down the healthy expression of the many violations in ethics and therapeutic guidelines you are each party to. People need to know how you are and are not spending their money and why. If that is not considered to be in the public interest in areas you defend your basis for existing comes into question by knowledgeable peers and the IRS.
The purpose of imagination and communication is to learn BEFORE pain kills your dreams, careers and all trust in your capacities to fulfill your roles is so that you can regulate your behavior and create the future you want. I want a future doing something about this type of abuse for precisely the individuals who are sacrificed for the perceived welfare of an abusive power-structure in fear for it's own survival.
The four directions that can reverse your course are clear:
1) A protocol of complete transparency about every one of your mistakes to all stake-holders: Your donors, your team, your participants and yourself, along with sincere remorse and a commitment to make all changes necessary, as well as to own full responsibility for the choices that led up to these mistakes and their impact.
2) A protocol of welcoming and honoring ALL communication and feedback from all stake-holders about how to make your work and organization safe, healthy and as valuable as possible to all stake-holders, including the active solicitation of feedback on the key metric: How loved, safe and sustainable does every member of the community feel their relationships are on team, among yourselves and in the community, and what actions, changes and technology might improve those numbers consistently and demonstrate a commitment to people winning.
3) A choice to ask for help from all sources to replace ignorance and fear with effective protocols that are developed in public, monitored in public and given public feedback, shifting the closed-door top-down model of power to a feedback-oriented service model of leadership based on impact in the community. This will require the use of an app (the cheapest way to go at $10k) or good web-programming.
4) The clear commitment to "first do no harm" to your clients and patients and live by the question: "Is this action going to repair our mistakes and create more value for our client's than anything else we can do with this moment?" Your impact is quite large in my world, on all fronts, and I will use your impact on me as the guide, consistent with your ongoing teaching that it is not personal - this is just how you treat people who come to you with trauma and report facilitator abuse. If I would not want my best friend to be treated the way you have treated me, I will fight to change leadership or protocols until I would be honored to recommend a friend to your care.
This letter is prompted by your choice to spend money you refused to spend to hire an independent trauma specialist to help me and insure the safety of your client to shut down human awareness in the form of a website that is intended as your teacher, and the teacher of the community. I will be directing those interested and willing to grow at no charge towards everything I am learning that I find useful on the path towards sustainable relationship globally and as individuals. While you work to shut the first website down, this letter is now living on: www.HumanAwarenessInstitute.net and on www.AbuseAtHumanAwarenessInstitute.org and two other domains. It is worth noting that in the interest of balance I have delayed most of these actions for years that can be done in less than a month as a courtesy to the process, not because you have shown any signs of learning anything at all from your mistakes. You are welcome to continue to waste money claiming domains you refuse, in a technical form of mismanagement, to buy for $15. Any well-managed company bought their domains for more than a decade ago, and I believe you are spending donor money to ruin your organization's basis for existing: the trust that you put the safety and well-being of your client's and therapeutic patients and participants above any personal interests you have to conceal your own shadow. Every day you do not do everything possible to support my well-being and repair your many layers of negligence you destroy your mission, dishonor your roles, and ruin your organization.
1) Since you have failed in every conceivable way to lead us into a win/win protocol, consider yourselves victims and have endangered my life, the public will have to evaluate your commitment and your skill to create and follow protocols that lead to "a world where everyone wins." What is your protocol and why isn't it working even amongst yourselves?
2) Since you failed to follow the law on numerous occasions, you will need to convince a jury and court in the presence of licensed trauma specialists that you did not have the impact you had, and that you behaved in the interest of a therapeutic client you were not licensed to treat and harmed violating numerous therapeutic and ethical guidelines.
3) Since you are operating without a license and harming your clients without disclosing that you have no license, you will have to convince the licensing boards that you don't need a license to practice all manner of therapies without proper training or the willingness to put your client's safety and dignity above your own interests when you make mistakes.
4) Since you have failed to follow the agreements you ask your team to follow, you will need to convince them that you are above the need to bother with such trifles as agreements and boundaries and full disclosure when you make far more mistakes than the entire team has made with me in 30 workshops.
5) Since you have squandered donor money and run your business very poorly, you will need to convince your donors that they really should give you money to subsidize the ongoing costs relating to your decision to put a client's life and well-being below your own personal interests, thus necessitating the first lawsuit in 25 years as a contractor (if you don't know your statistics that means I am in the top 1% of people unlikely to be sued or sue).
6) Since you have failed to lead the story by telling your team and clients what happened and demonstrating your commitment to change, but instead operated for a cover-up protocol at the expense of the community, your organization and your clients, you must convince the public that even though you refuse to take responsibility, ownership for, repair or apologize for the damage you cause to one participant and teach that "nothing is personal," you will actually treat them and their friends completely differently from the way you have treated me.
7) Since you have violated your own agreements, your own consciences and your own recommended practices and behaved in a way that could easily have led to my death, the hardest thing of all will be to convince yourselves that you are actually doing the right thing, or doing the best thing for your client about the wrong things you admit. What does it mean for your organization if you cannot trust yourself to put your client's life ahead of your fear, convenience and reputation? Can you be present with a client knowing that you will betray them if they find themselves harmed by your blind spots - that you would risk murder to protect yourself from fear, even when you knew it was wrong? I could not do it. What part of you can? What part of you has an issue with this? How will you resolve the tension that hopefully exists between the two?
I owe each of you a debt of gratitude for all you have taught me, dark and light. I can think of no better way to honor you than to invite you to learn as much as you have taught and to use the positive things you have taught me to challenge the blind spots and behavior that is inconsistent with your mission. I invite you to have faith that the person who spent time with four of you, attended 100 events, wrote about you, practiced your teachings and believes deeply in your mission will do you justice and light. Without you I might not have learned what it means to serve or had the ability to do so. Joy and hate, hostility and love have profound presence, care and awareness as their common denominator and speak of a deep relationship, which, when unpacked, can open the world to the many intricacies and gifts possible in every human relationship. By participating in this very public ritual of cultural ignorance and abuse, acted out between student and teacher, therapist and patient, participant and workshop leader, non-profit and donor, we reveal the very reason we are failing as a culture to honor the feminine, to love and be loved, to heal trauma, to build community and to love one another. This is a more valuable teaching than the fake love that comes from hiding the shadow, and may indeed lead to the Human Awareness Institute playing a part in the drama from denial to anger, and then....?
I want to close with an awareness: You can, by force of numbers, continue to have negative impact on my by defending your positions and behavior with silence, deflection, failing to make your abuse public, trying to blame me for the impact of your lack of training, or by in any way spending energy in a way that sends me the message: "A sexual abuse survivor's dignity and honor matters less to their therapists, community leaders and teacher's than the secret fears and shames and the money of the abuser, and that this is a view that the entire board and facilitator body is committed to maintaining, despite the tens of thousands of people who have put their trust in you to put safety first and transparency first at every turn in your professional and private lives.
I will continue to learn use what the best in you has taught me to challenge what the worst in you is attempting to murder. If you have taught me well, you can rest assured that within five years the Human Awareness Institute will be transformed in such a way as to be safer, healthier and significantly more valuable to the world, or will no longer exist, dragged down by your inability to distinguish between the honor of respecting principles of trust and ethics and the suicide of protecting the symbol of value at the expense of the true value: your willingness every day to put your client's well-being ahead of your personal ego-needs or step aside from your roles and acknowledge that you cannot find the clarity, courage or willingness to do that.
With good wishes to your selves and and hatred towards your defenses for betraying something beautiful,
PS: It is my hope that while I expect your survival-trauma-responses to fight this tooth and nail, further debilitating your mission and organization, there may be a part of you in the din that is grateful that at least one member in the community is willing to challenge your B.S. and take a stand for the rampant abuse in the community that needs knowledge, data and responsibility to heal, not another cover-up. I hope you will take time to learn all of the things you have never asked about, in the symptoms I have witnessed of diseases born of ignorance, shame and trauma in so many members of the team and your client's.
Licensed, trained therapists would not have made any of the mistakes you and Peter made. It is ethics 101 and you would all be mindful of your licenses. And you each made all of the mistakes you made, including playing along with my mistakes: the very mistakes you can count on sexual abuse survivors in a dependent relationship with their abusers to make. I do not consider that anyone can wave a magic wand and avoid abuse survivors connecting with you, or stop them from inviting you to abuse them. It is you, the professionals, who must have the discipline, discernment and training to say "thank you, but we are putting your safety first in this way and this way and we want to know how it feels, if you understand, that none of this is your fault, and that we will do whatever it takes to see you safe. How does that feel? What do you need?" Ethical trauma therapists do this as part of healthy trauma protocol and have taken oaths to put their client's lives first. You charge the same money in many cases for what promise, according who who to do what? And when you make mistakes? You have not done this, any of you, in fifteen years, and are now spending money to cover the scent.
The only reason I've spent money to educate the community with websites is that you have shown that you will not put the safety of the community ahead of your secrets or treat me in a way that lets me know that the next HAI abuse survivor will be treated any better. You have wounded me, as well as your reputations, by choosing not to come forward, and placing the responsibility for keeping your community safe on your patient, client and participant, who is not as comfortable with your behavior as you are, or with leaving people in the dark. This is a further burden on me, not support - something I am not sure you will grasp or be concerned with in your obsession to protect yourself. Yet it is a burden that I am honored to carry until someone else takes up the slack. Be aware that since I would not have bothered for money or sex or any pay-off you can give me to do all this work, there is only one way for you to hide what will be public for a long long time: stop hiding and create an ending that teachers of healthy relationships would be proud of. Then you will indeed have something to teach. If you cannot do it when the rubber meets the road, then how do you expect to be able to teach any of your client's to do it? You did not teach me. What are your stats of success: How many people, willing to spend any amount of money and workshops, leave your school knowing how to have sustainable, healthy relationships as evidenced by sustainable, healthy relationships - and how many of those could do that if you were the only teacher, rather than one of many? Students deserve to know this before spending 100k in your trainings.
I also want to emphasize your individual freedom. The reason I'm suing HAI first, and later facilitators if need be, is that each one of you operates on a protocol of consensus behind closed doors and have chosen as an entire body NOT to reach out, apologize and make amends - or to discover any of the many layers these emotions are built on from years of pain, ignorance, fear, trauma and abuse. That protocol is your own, and is based on ignorance and fear. Your inability to heal/crack that protocol in the face of all evidence makes you personally unworthy to occupy a role in which every single community member is counting on YOU to speak up if there is abuse in the community. We have a right to that as client's and students and you must decide if you can do that NOW or if other undisclosed agendas and loyalties are more important, creating a conflict of interest that makes you unfit to serve in the way a therapeutic client, patient or student has a right to expect. If a single one of you speaks up, then I don't have to and it gives a message that while any given facilitator may not speak up, someone in your organization will take a stand for the primary right of the patient in the face of therapeutic abuse. In my call with Felicia Williams (recorded automatically on my phone recorder) she stood by as Peter ranted and denied almost all rights of the patient, preferring to pretend that this was a lover's spat rather than her colleague who she had recommended to me, who has charged me money to abuse me in the worst abuse cycle of my adult life. And where were you? Where indeed. Are you comfortable with HAI's silent stand for sexual abuse? Or shall we keep pretending that Felicia, of her own good heart, with no conspiracy to protect HAI, was acting in the interest of her client as my facilitator? Just listen to her insist on taking charge of the hour despite my request, as she steers HAI towards a sustained pattern of abusing the patient to protect the professional's rights. I am convinced that some participants would be driven to addiction or suicide from that call alone in this circumstance because the message is clear: Your feelings, your rights and your experience do not matter to anyone at HAI - not when it conflicts with our needs. There is not a single one of you who has behaved honorably in this situation and until that is owned pro actively and responded to, you are the biggest threat to your mission and organization, because I am not self-centered enough to believe that you have singled me out for this protocol, and I will not let you do this to anyone else in a professional capacity if I can stop it without killing myself in the process.